Very Very Busy

Somehow I found some time to get this done. I've been so so busy lately. Working, taking care of Ethan, decorating, getting ready for Christmas. I always have so much to do around this time of year, but i don't mind because I love Christmas! I'm still trying to shop for gifts, although my money is quickly dwindling and I don't get paid again til after Christmas, which is good and bad. Bad because now I have to think small and limit myself on the amount of money I spend to get other people gifts. But good because after I go broke buying stuff for everybody else and Christmas is over my money will be refreshed and my next check will be mine and mine alone. Now that I think about it I wasn't really preparing for Christmas, well not like I usually do. Christmas is next week!!!! Usually by now I'd have mostly everyone's gifts bought and wrapped. But yea, let me get back to my Christmas preparations. My allotted time for this post is up and I have a few more things to do before Ethan wakes up from his nap. So I shall leave you with this:

I'm Back

It has been so so long since I've posted a blog. So much has changed. Well not really that much but some stuff has. So biggest update ever: My pride and joy Ethan has begun crawling. The reason I'm so happy about it? Well aren't all parents happy when they see their child progressing. But that's not all. Now I don't have to carry him around. It is so much easier to just let him crawl around behind me, or just let him crawl around the house while I clean or do stuff. It's been so long since I've been able to use both hands to do... anything. Second biggest announcement ever: I've finally conquered my fears and begun posting videos of me singing on youtube!!!! Which is a big deal to me because I've wanted to do that for.... years but I've never was confident enough to do it. But my new motto is to try to do the things that I want to do while I can. I've realized that I'm the main person holding myself back from doing things I want to do and I trying to push through that. Next I have a new job. I'm working at Baby Gap, which is not that bad but it's not a job I see myself doing forever. Eventually I'm going to begin looking for a new job, I just haven't figured out what else I would want to do yet. Ok, I think that's all for today. So I'll leave you with one of my videos.

Therapy

So tired of going through the same old motions over and over again. All I want, all I've ever wanted, was someone who was going to be there for me. Someone who was really going to care about me. Someone that was going to make me feel important. Someone that was going to make me feel special. Someone who actually wanted to spend time with me. I just want to NOT feel alone. To have someone who is going to hold my hand when I need them to. Comfort me when I feel down. Is it really that hard to be considerate. To think about how what you do might effect someone else? Or is it just me? Am I just too nice? I always consider everyone else's feelings. I'm not saying I always go out of my way to make sure everyone else is happy because that would be impossible. But I at least think about stuff before I do it. I don't just jump into something and do whatever I want knowingly crushing everyone else's feelings. I DON'T just do something that I know is going to upset someone and then shrug my shoulders and say oh well. But maybe that's my downfall. 
So furious right now. Maybe later on something will change the bull that's raging inside me right now into a tiny purring kitten. Maybe later on I'll think to myself that I shouldn't have said so much. I should have just kept it all to myself like I usually do. but I don't regret any of this. I needed to vent, but since I don't really express all my problems and inner most thoughts to anyone this is my only way to vent. So if you don't like it, it's time for me to shrug my shoulders and say oh well.


Katy Perry - Wide Awake

Wow I feel so much better now.

Why Winter is Better Than Summer

I know many people will disagree but I despise summer with a passion. In my opinion the cons of summer greatly out weigh the pros. The thing I hate most about summer is bugs. There are so many types and sizes. Big bugs, small bugs, bugs that bite, bugs that make noise. Summer is just packed with creepy crawly critters. The next big downer about summer is the heat. Regardless of how slow you move in efforts to stay cool, two steps could mean a bucket full of sweat. That's something I just can't deal with. I don't know if it's just me or if other people go through this too, but heat strips me of my patience. On a normal cool day I can calmly handle any problem that comes my way, but on a hot day everything irritates me to no end. The smallest thing could agitates me to anger if I'm too hot. When I think about it those are the only two things that come to mind (at this specific point in time) that I don't like about summer. But even just those two things are too much to deal with because no matter how hard you try there is no way you can go through an entire summer without encountering those things. The only thing I like about summer is pools. I truly enjoy swimming and that's the one thing that the winter robs me of.


Song of the day:
Black Eyed Peas - Let's Get It Started

A New Beginning

Finally the clouds of depression are drifting away after that long long storm. My eyes are slowly opening and taking in the sunlight. I feel like I've been trapped in a room with no windows or doors. As I re-submerge myself into society and meet new people I feel myself opening up more and more. There's so much out there and I'm finally beginning to feel as though at least some of my goals are achievable. Little by little, step by step things will work out for the best. I'm becoming confident in my decisions and I believe everything will turn out good in the end. 


Song of the day:
Katy Perry - Firework

I'm Back

So I took a much needed break from blogging. The stress I'm currently dealing with on an everyday basis is enough without adding on the the stress of coming up with something to talk about every day. But now... as you can see, I'm back. Currently just going through life day by day. The only thing that remains constant is that I have to take care of Ethan. Right now I'm at a crossroads. There are so many directions that I can be going in and I'm just trying to find out which one is the right one.

Song of the day:
John Legend - Everybody Knows

Happy Mother's Day

Happy belated mother's day to all you mothers out there. This was the first time ever that I was a mother on mother's day. A new experience entirely. I enjoyed my mother's day and I'm happy to be a mother. My beautiful little boy, Ethan will be 2 months old tomorrow. Today was his doctors appoinment. For all those who don't know, babies don't get vaccines until they are 2 months. So today he got 3 shots and I was so scared for him. He had already been fussy all morning like he knew what was going to happen. I would have taken those needles for him if I could and I'm already deathly afraid of needles myself. But it just killed me to see him in pain. I'm glad I was able to calm him down quickly though. So to wrap this up, the conclusion: I've determined that from now on I'm going to look forward to mother's day and dread every doctor visit.

Song of the day:
Boys 2 Men - A Song For Mama

Blah

Yes I realize that I've missed a day. I'm sorry it's not easy being mother And trying to have my own life at the same time. I plan to write my blog, get sidetracked by something, get interrupted by Ethan, (once I've calmed him and catered to his needs) get sidetracked by something else, remember the first thing i got sidetracked on, complete the first and second things I was sidetracked on, remember my blog, get interrupted by Ethan, put Ethan to bed, sit down to start my blog, glance at the time, "IT'S 12:12 AM?", realize it's already too late to do my blog, go to sleep. The end. if you managed to follow and understand that then you're amazing. Job well done!

Song of the day:
Gavin Degraw - Nice to Meet You Anyway

Patience

Slowly but surely. Little by little. Eventually things generally fall into place. You just have to have enough patience to wait it out til that happens. You might not always get to your happy ending that you've been waiting your whole life for, but you might get close. Close like maybe a sorta-happy ending, or kinda-happy ending, or kinda, sorta, happy ending. If you feel like you missed out and ended up with a really terrible, no-good, very bad ending then think again. You've still have more to go. You're no way near the ending. 


Song of the day:
Melissa Polinar - This Road

Migrane

I would have loved to write a really long and thoughtful blog today. But as you see from the title I have a migrane which limits me terribly. you have no idea how hard it is to write this right now as I alternate between which eye I have open. Because too much light makes my head hurt even more and with two eyes open it's almost always too much light.

Song of the day:
Brandy - Sitting Up in My Room

Bad to Worse

Just waiting for things to get better. Someone told me they have to go bad and then worse before it gets better. things can go from good to bad to worse to great. Life has a weird way making things work out in the end. I'm just hoping I've reach the end of worse.

Song of the day:
Monica - Don't take it personal

Temptation

The chance to start off fresh, brand new. The reset button on every game system. A free do over. Somewhere new. when things aren't going right it's always tempting to just skip over all the issues completely. Is that better? How can I know for sure that when I start over I won't end up going through the same problems all over again? What if life is like a video game. You have fun playing for a while then you get to a really hard part and reset the game. Then you strat over thinking everything is going to be different. But eventually you still end up at the same hard part that made you start over to begin with.

Song of the day:
Katy Perry - Firework

Free Write

What do I want to say today? Nothing really. Some days you just feel blah. I really have no idea what to say. I remember when i was in high school there was a class (i don't remember what class) that for some reason we had to do free writing for a certain amount of time. The teacher always told us that we were supposed to write non stop not matter what. If we had nothing to say we were told to write exactly that. I don't remember actually ever doing so and I don't plan to start now.

Song of the day:
Amy Winehouse - Rehab

Tired

Don't feel like going anywhere or doing anything. If I didn't have Ethan to take care of then I probably wouldn't leave my bed at all (Except to eat and use the bathroom). So much to think about. My life is at a stand still right now. Time isn't moving and nothing is progressing. Nothing is going to change until I come to a solid decision about what I want and stick to it. There are too many life altering choices that need to be made. I'm feeling a bit (well honestly a lot more than a bit) stressed out because everything falls on me. I need to figure out if I should go back to work and just collect unemployement and try to find a better job. Or forget working completely and just focus on finishing school. Not finishing school is not an option because I have way too many loans that will be demanding their money back and I really see no reason in have myself in this much debt without getting my degree out of it. So school is a must but working is not. But if I don't work will I
always have enough for things I need to buy for Ethan (like pampers) and will I have extra for little things I might want or need. Also I'd really hate to disappoint anyone at my job. They're all waiting for me to come back and I don't want to let them down. Besides that job does not pay the ki.d of money that I need right now. Honestly if I hated my job and my coworkers going back wouldn't even be a thought in my mind. I would just move on and finish school and look for a new better job. Then I don't even want to be in my house. my mother is constantly hovering over my like I have no idea how to take care of Ethan. I know she means well but it's really annoying. Then my father, the dictator, walks around the house just complaining all day. I'm taking care of Ethan all day while all he does is drink, watch tv and talk on the phone yet I'm getting lectured on how I don't do anything in the house and that the house is a mess and why didn't I wash the dishes. Meanwhile my 11 y
ear old little brother just goes to school and comes home and has no chores whatsoever. And if anyone tells him to do any kind of household work my father quickly intervines and tells him not to. So now I'm dealing with all this plus sleep deprivation. It's no wonder that I feel so depressed the majority of the time. But I just want the best for Ethan so I have no choice but to put up with all of this because I have no where else to go.
Right now I feel like my whole life is balancing on a tight rope and if I take one wrong step that everything will just plunge to the ground below. Right now I'm just so confused trying to figure out what I need to do.

Song of the day:
Muse - Hysteria

What I Want

What I want is for everyone to just get along. What I want is for things to not be so hard. What I want is a future that I planned out for myself. What I want is for people to really understand me. What I want is a big house for Ethan to play in. What I want is a job that's fun and pays well. What I want is for everything to be easy. What I want is to not have to wait years to get everything I want. What I want is just to be happy.

Song of the Day:
Natasha Bedingfield - Unwritten

The Truth

Many people don't realize that arguing doesn't solve anything. Everyone screaming and yelling and no one hears each other. Everyone shouting to get their point out. Don't you think if we actually just sat down and talked that maybe we could come up with the best decision. Everyone has valid information. If we stopped fighting against each other and put the info together then everything would work out right.

Something New

So now I figured out how to send my blogs from my phone to this site so now there can be no excuse as to why I miss a day. Anyway, why am I up so early doing this? Well because Ethan is up, and if   Ethan is up I have no choice but to be up with him. Hopefully soon he will begin to sleep through out the whole night and not wake up so often, but for now this is what I have to deal with, him waking   up to eat and poop and 5am. I must be really getting used to this being a mom thing because it's way easier for me to get up now. Also ('ve only had 4 hours of sleep and I feel perfectly fine. At the   moment anyway. So now I must go change him and try to put him back to sleep. I just realized with this it's hard to do the song of the day. Well I'll just tell you my pick and you will just have to   look it up for yourself.  

Song of the day:  Nate James - Justify Me

Vacation

I have so many things that I want to do but no motivation to do them. I work through out my entire pregnancy. I worked right up til the very end. I probably would have even went in to work that Monday if I hadn't woke up with contractions. So I feel I've done so much already that during this little bit of time before I go back to work I want to be able to relax. I don't want to be brought down thinking about all my responsibilities (besides Ethan) and other things that just need to get done. To me this is my little bit of vacation, although being a mom is a never-ending job. My little bit of time before I have to go back to the real world. 


Song of the Day:
John Mayer - No Such Thing

OH NO!!!

So it finally happened. I slipped up and missed a day.... darn. I hope you will forgive me. I was really trying to do this before 12 but I just got home. It was my first time being able to be away from Ethan for a couple of hours. It was wonderfully refreshing, but I still missed him the whole time. I caught myself glancing at my phone from time to time. (I have a picture of Ethan as the background on my phone.) I guess that's what happens when you have a kid though. It feels like he's a piece of me and that I'm missing something when he's not with me. Maybe I'm just weird but I didn't like being away from him for so long. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed myself, I did. But it would have been nice to be able to go check on him whenever I wanted to. I got so used to him being with me 24/7 that it feels weird when he's not in the same room.... or a room nearby. I don't know how I'm going to be able to go back to work.


Song of the Day: 
Donnell Jones - Where I Wanna Be

Mission Impossible

So much on my mind yet I'm still having writer's block. I spent all day inside... well most of the day. I did take a short trip to the store. Today was a day to just relax. Ethan even slept long enough to let me watch a movie. Still trying to figure out what to do with my hair. Currently pretending that I'm good at braiding just to see how it turns out. Maybe I should have watched a youtube video first or something like that but oh well, it's too late for that now. Thinking over what I'm going to do with my life. I would love to be a stay at home mom.... well at least for the first year of Ethan's life. I don't want to miss all the little things. It's fun watching him grow and learn a bit more each day. That and in today's society there's no way that we are gonna get by if I don't work too. And also my mom wants me to finish school which is definitely something I want to do. But school and work leaves barely any time for me to be with Ethan. My mom thinks that's fine though. Probably because that's what she did, but this is my first child, my first son. I just became a mom and whether he remembers if I'm there for it or not, I definitely don't want to miss out on all his firsts. I want to be right there the first time he sits up by himself, and the first time he takes a step. I want to be in the room when he says his first word. It would kill me if after a long day of work I come home and the babysitter tells me "Ethan said mommy today". So now I'm stuck trying to figure out how to be super mom. How can I work go to school and still not miss out on all the firsts?


Song of the day:
Wayne Brady - Ordinary

The Day After

I was totally just sitting in front of my laptop staring at the computer screen and thinking to myself what can I be doing right now? It  totally slipped my mind that I hadn't done my post for today. Luckily I realized before I found something else to do. Hm... now what to talk about.... It's the day after my birthday. I think that because of facebook the day after you birthday can be a little depressing. It's like your birthday comes and your totally excited. And not only that but it's broadcasted for all your friends on facebook so it's hard for anyone to forget that it's your special day. Then through out the entire day you receive post from family, friends, and random people you haven't spoken to in years. By the end of the day you have 5,000 notifications, from all the people wishing you a very happy birthday. You feel like a rock star, a celebrity for the day. Then the next day comes, the day after your birthday and you get maybe one notification, if you're lucky. And you're brought back down to earth.


Song of the day:
Karmin - Crash Your Party

My Birthday

Yes! It's my birthday! It's finally here. My day! Sitting in my kitchen while my fiance makes me a cake. I'm planning on making cupcakes of my own later though. I'm a pastry chef and watching him bake and not being able to decorate it myself is killing me. But I'm still happy that he's doing this for me. You have no idea how hard it is to actually do something for your birthday when you have a little baby. 


Song of the day:
Timothy Bloom - Til the End of Time

Procrastination

So... yes I know. Gotta finish this blog fast. In less than half an hour to be exact. I don't know why I didn't just do this sooner. It wasn't like I wasn't near my laptop. I've been home most of the day. I just set an order to the things I wanted to do today and I put this last. So yea, update from yesterday I actually got some stuff done today. I did laundry, mine and Ethan's. And I went out and got Ethan pampers... because he was running low. Still had some other stuff I want to do, like clean my room but that's definitely going to have to wait cause I'm not doing any kind of work tomorrow. On a totally side note even though I have such a short time to write this blog I still find myself going back and forth between this page and facebook. This reminders my of high school ... and college. When I had a paper due I usually ended up waiting til the very last minute to do it. Then actually getting it done took forever because I was always letting myself get sidetracked with everything. It was like the smallest thing was way more interesting than the paper I had to write and I always had to force myself to focus and get back to what I needed to be doing. I totally hated doing papers and homework for that matter. I think it was totally a mental thing. It wasn't like I didn't have the ability to do it. (After finishing a paper I always read it over and thought to myself that I could have done so much better if I had actually gave myself time to do a good job.) It was the whole idea of having a deadline forced upon me. Telling me that I had a 5 page paper due by Friday just made me not want to do it. What can I say, I have an inner rebel.


Song of the day:
Madonna & Justin Timberlake - Four Minutes

Beyond Exhausted

Yea, so I thought I was tired yesterday but I had actually gotten some sleep yesterday. Today Ethan didn't think he needed to sleep for more than 15 minutes at a time so absolutely no sleep. And with no sleep comes no patience so I've been frustrated for most of today... with pretty much everyone I encountered. I had so much I planned to get done today but all those plans are pushed to tomorrow. Lets see if I can get anything done tomorrow.


Song of the day:
Monica -Just One of Those Days

Too Tired

Too tired to really do a post today... but this counts right? No? Ok, let's think of something... hmmm. Ok, I got it. It just came to mind, like literally, that your whole view of the world changes more and more as you grow up. I remember in elementary school whenever they asked what I wanted to be when I grew up I had a long list of things. I wanted to be a singer, a chef, a teacher, a writer, an actress, and a painter. I was pretty ambitious. I remember my teacher asking me which one I really thought I was going to do. I had my mind set, I told her I was going to do all of them. I had it all planned out. I was first going to be a singer first and go on tour. While on tour I was going to study from cooking from master chefs around the world. Then once my tour ended I figured I be in a movie or two, preferably musicals. Then I would settle down and be a teacher, most likely teaching math since that's what I'm really good at. Then I figured writing and painting weren't jobs that I'd have to be in one place for and I didn't need to do it everyday or report in to anyone so I planned to just have those as side jobs through my whole working career. As I grew older one by one those dreams disappear. Doing even one of those jobs seemed impossible. I had no clue I had planned to do all of them. So I went to college and majored in computer programming. Didn't see that one coming did you.


Song of the day:
Athena Cage - Live Your Dreams

Memory Lane

Ok going to try to do this really quick, since Ethan decided he doesn't really want to take naps today. Today I took a trip down memory lane. Going through some old stuff from under my bed I discovered reminders from my past. I've done so much and it's not like I forgot all the things I've done, it's just that until I had the proof in front of me I felt like I've never really done anything. It all sunk in today though. I've been to Utah, Vegas, and California... twice! My brother lives in Utah and I've been to visit him. And while there we took a road trip to California to visit my aunt and cousins. I've been to England, Ireland, and Wales. I was in a student ambassador program and they took us there. I got to really see London and ride the London Eye (the biggest ferris wheel in the world). I got take my very own picture of Stonehenge. I got to stay with a family in Ireland and explore the streets of Dublin. I've done so much and there's still so much more that I wanted to do. I wanted to travel to Paris and Japan and Australia. I wanted to take a road trip to Florida and vacation in Brazil. But having Ethan kind of put the rest of my travel plans on permanent hold. 


Song of the Day:
John Mayer - No Such Thing

Spring Cake

Ok after a really long day I'm finally writing my blog. So glad I already had something in mind for today or else I might not have been able to do this one on time. So I made a spring cake yesterday and I took pictures as I was doing it. 

The coolest part was that I made the actually cake itself green. The wonders of food coloring. I would have gotten a picture of that but the is sadly gone. Yes, my whole family finished all already. But yes this cake was fun to make... and eat.


Song of the day:
Pink - Raise Your Glass

Just Relax

Today's post... Hmm.... Um... So I never made that cake yesterday. I think I might do it today though. It's so nice outside today but I don't want to go anywhere. I've been walking back and forth for days now just to walk around. Today I just want to relax for once. I want to sit back and enjoy the simple things. Like seeing my son smile at me while I'm talking to him. Or cuddling with my fiance. Or eating a huge piece of homemade cake. 
Song of the day:
Timbaland ft Katy Perry - If We Ever Meet Again

Everybody Loves Cake

I really want to make a cake today. I went out and got the supplies and everything. I just have to actually make it now. But the actual baking process is not something that really interests me. So when I comes to making a cake the baking process is something I have to push myself to do and the real fun comes after. I love decorating cakes. That's when my creativity really flows. Imagining how I want the cake to look and then seeing how close I get to bringing my imagination to life. I'm an artist with icing. I enjoy doing it so much that I even thought about selling cakes. Then I changed my mind because there is nothing worse then putting all you work into a cake and then not being able to eat it.
Just a glimpse of my latest work.

And now for the song of the day:
Black Eyed Peas - Just Can't Get Enough

Overflowing Emotions

Things effect me so easily now. I guess its cause I'm still postpartum... technically... I think. Apparently after you have a baby your hormones go crazy and that's this period of time, postpartum, while your body tries to stabilize itself again. It's like I lost control over my emotions. I used to be able to numb myself to the world and everything would be fine. I could keep all my feelings looked up tight in a cage and no one would even know. Now it's like as soon as something happens the emotions is bursting out of me. Like someone completely smashed that cage to pieces and I can't control each and every feeling as they pop up. It's like they have a mind of their own. I'm just struggling trying to catch them all before they jump out and start affecting my world. I need my ability to numb myself. I'm afraid I won't be able to survive in this world without it.


Song of the day:
This song always makes me feel better when I'm upset
Gavin Degraw - Chariot

Rambling On... and On

Ok so I really have no idea what to write today. My mind is a total blank. But I'm really trying to keep up with a post a day so bare with me as I ramble on. Really I should be taking the time I have now to do the stuff I really need to do. Like washing my hair. Or taking a shower. Or cleaning my room up. But no I'm sitting here with my laptop on my lap and Ethan laying next to me. The reason I'm doing all the other stuff that I need to be doing is because I don't want him to wake up and start crying and I'm not here to calm him down. But I really do need to shower.... so I think I'll take my chances and go do that. 


Song of the day:
We Pray For You - A Bunch of People on Youtube

Missing the Little Things

Having a baby makes so much stuff different. I miss not feeling sleepy before 9pm. I miss sleeping even 5 hours straight without being woken up. I miss not being responsible for anyone but myself. I miss crossing the street and not being so scared that a car may come out of nowhere. I miss doing stuff on my own time and not having my schedule set by a tiny person who does care about what time it is. I miss my old life... I didn't get the chance to properly say goodbye to it. 


Song of the day:
India Arie - Little Things

The Grain of Sand That Can Change Everything

It's amazing how saying just one thing could change everything. How things take decades to build and can be destroyed in one instant. The things you work so hard for and disappear with not effort at all.


Song of the day:
Brandy & Monica - It All Belongs To Me

Getting Used To This

Being a mommy is definitely hard work. I don't regret having Ethan at all though. He's just too adorable. There are times when he's awake and just looking at me, then he smiles and I just melt. He's mine. I have so many nieces and nephews and cousins. I've been around children my whole life. I've always wanted kids of my own, maybe not this soon but that's ok. I'm dealing with it. Being pregnant was a brand new adventure. I was always unsure of everything. Every experience was new. Not wanting to eat because I was scared he wouldn't like it and I would end up sitting over the toilet again. Feeling him kick was like a wake up call. I remember feeling so happy and scared at the same time. Happy because wow there really is this little person alive inside of me. But then scared because of all the responsibility. I was so scared I'd do one thing wrong and lose him. Then the morning came that I woke up with contractions and then it was like he's going to be out soon. I remember being in the delivery room, going through contractions and thinking I'll be able to hold him soon. Then I had to push him out. I knew all about the pain, the "ring of fire", I had watched so many birthing videos and read every bit of information that was available to me. I thought I was ready, but reading and seeing can not really truly prepare you for actually feeling it yourself. The whole time was pushing him out (and through out most of my pregnancy really) I remember thinking that something was terribly wrong with technology. With all the new inventions out why hadn't anyone come up with something to make this whole process less painful. Why couldn't someone just teleport him out of me? And then he was out and in my arms and any thought of pain was gone. I could finally see him and hold him. 
With all the information I was force-fed about pregnancy I think I was dreadfully uninformed about all thing postpartum. All the pain that lasts for weeks after birth. The depression that hit me like a ton of bricks that first night in the hospital. My fiance wasn't allowed to spend the night and Ethan had to stay in the nursery. For the first time in 9 months I was truly alone. But I got through it all with I smile. Finally got to take him home and I don't want to spoil him but there are times I just can't bring myself to put him down. To be able to hold him and watch him grow turns every problem I went through into a grain of sand. For him, it was all worth it.


And now for the song of the day!
My lullaby for Ethan
Chrisette Michelle - Your Joy

Friday the 13th

I don't really have a focus for today. Lack of sleep does that to you. Writing this blog in between naps. I find that if I just keep typing eventually I find a focus. I just ramble on and on and eventually I find something that I can write at least a paragraph about. 
So today's focus is my job. (Technically I'm not currently "working" because I'm on maternity leave.) I work at one of the many Duane Reades in the city. Despite the minimum wage pay I actually love my job. Even though I'm usually on the register I find that helping and interacting with different people everyday is really fun to me. Maybe it's because I'm such an optimistic person that I figure out a way to make the best out of any situation but I really have fun when I'm at work. Between helping a customer find the product they're looking for, trying to figure out what a tourist needs in whatever language they speak, giving someone directions, or just joking around with my coworkers I always leave work in a good mood. I feel that I'm very lucky. Even though I'm definitely not getting paid what I need to support my family I actually like my job and very few people in the world can say that. So I'm not complaining... much... for now.


And for the song of the day:
Kirk Franklin - I Smile

Sometimes You Just Need To Vent

I'm absolutely miserable living in my parents house. People would think that it's because I'm a brand new mom and the baby is driving me crazy. But that's not the case. I simply adore my son and nothing he does annoys me in the least bit. Not a smelly diaper. I even surprised myself when i discovered what a high tolerance I have for his baby cries. 
My parents are the ones that frustrate me to no end. my father is a hypocritical alcoholic who feels that no matter what he's always right. No one else matters, nothing else matters. Whatever he says goes and everyone else just has to live and deal with it. As for my mother there really isn't much I can say bad about her. I know she always means well but she just can be overbearing at times... or most of the time.... or all of the time. I know she just wants the best for me but I just need her to let me live instead of criticizing and lecturing me on every decision I make. 
Usually I manage to somehow coexist when it comes to these two. But when it comes to my son they just overwhelm me. Like during the latest incident. Ethan won't go to sleep. I've just finished feeding him and giving him some gripe water because I know at his stomach tends to bother him at night and it keeps him up. And in order for me to sleep I need him to sleep. But knowing I have those two things already covered and he's still awake and fussing I move on to the next thing and realize he needs his diaper changed. Now Ethan, for some reason, doesn't like when I change his diaper. So as I lay him down to get ready to change him he starts crying because he knows what I'm doing. In comes grandparent #1, my mother decides to stand right behind me as I'm trying to change him and shoot me with questions like "why is he crying?" and "is he hungry?" and "is it his stomach?" and "did you give him gripe water?" and the frustration begins. I answer all the questions while Ethan cries and I try to comfort him so I can quickly change his diaper before grandparent #2 comes in and does the same thing. But my mother seeing that he is still fussing tells me to pick him up because he is still crying. I pick him up and explain to her that I just need to change his diaper. But when I put him back down to do so and begin changing him, while he still cries, she begins pushing past me to try to pick him up. So now I'm struggling to change his poopy diaper while my mother lifts him off the bed. There is no way to neatly change a poopy diaper with the baby in the air so I, now fully frustrated, step back to just let my mother take over because now   Ethan is completely uncomfortable and screaming. Grandparent #2 enters questioning what's wrong with the baby. My mother informs him that he just needed his diaper changed. He's unconvinced and insists that something must be wrong with him because he's still crying. My mother hands Ethan back over to me and goes with my father into the kitchen to make Ethan a bottle because there can be no other reason for him crying then me starving him of course. But with them gone I finally can calm Ethan. Of course my father still comes back with a bottle in hand and insists that I feed Ethan because even though he's laying down quietly by himself he must be starving because he's not sleeping. I tell him that Ethan's not hungry because I just fed him but he insists that I try away way. Seeing that my dad won't leave until he sees me try I give Ethan the bottle. After seeing that Ethan is just spitting the milk back out my dad storms out.
I'm just wondering how long I have left before I explode. 


And now the song of the day...
Just because I love this song:
Pink - If God is a DJ

The Beginning

So I was talking over blogging with my awesome twin Kassie and I realized that I have an ample amount of time on my hands. She has a blog and I definitely have time to make one too. This is day one. I had no idea what to make my blog about. Her theme is ties. I don't have nearly enough ties or any collection of things for that matter so I decided my blog will be an everything blog. I have too many things that I'm interested in to focus on just one thing and I don't like the idea of being limited anyway. So what is today's focus? Well it's just and introduction. My name is Melina. I've been a mommy for three weeks now (I technically think of it as more than three weeks because I considered myself a mom when I found out I was pregnant). I got myself a beautiful baby boy name Ethan. I'm a pastry chef (Not really but I like to think of myself as one. I do bake and decorate cakes though). I'm a singer (While alone in my room... or while playing rock band). And some other stuff that I can't recall right now because 9:30 is early for me now, due to extreme lack of sleep, due to Ethan waking up every 2 hours to eat... so yea. Day 1 complete.
And the song of the day thanks to my sister:
Rihanna - Fool in Love