I Have a Son

I have a beautiful 3 year old son who I love more than life itself. He is my everything. My reason for being. The motivation to push me forward and make me strive. When I found out I was pregnant I was scared. I didn't really care if I had a girl or a boy. I just wanted the baby to be happy and healthy. Hearing about all the complications that could happen while you're pregnant and even up to delivery had me so scared that I could lose him before I even got to hold him. Then I had him and I was so scared of germs. I didn't want my oh so precious new born to get sick from anything. I was as careful as I could be. Careful about where he went, who he interacted with, what he touched, and who touched him. Then he went to daycare and came home with a cold that had him in the hospital for days. I was so scared. My little angel was sick and there was nothing I could do but watch and wait for him to get better. I just kept the thought in my head that when he gets bigger it won't be so bad. I won't have to be so scared for him because it will be easier for him to fight off a cold. I won't have to be so cautious with him because he'll have a stronger immune system. I won't have to worry so much about if him safe when he's not with me because he grows bigger and stronger everyday.  That's what I thought.

I was so wrong. I have never been so terrified for my little boy than I am now. He's only 3 and 3 year olds are curious beings who like to explore. But that is not the problem. I love everything about my 3 year old. The problem is that he's not going to stay 3 forever. He's going to get bigger. He's going to get older. He's going to want to go out by himself and do things on his own. How can I protect my boy when he's out by himself and I'm not with him? How can I keep him safe from the outside world? All I keep hearing about is stories after stories of young black boys being killed. Stories of people losing their husbands and brothers and sons. So I am terrified, shaken to the core, because I have a 3 year old son and who's is only going to get older. But the one question that keeps me up at night is how old will he get to be.

It's Been A Long Long TIme

Hmmmmm...... I've been wanting to start writing this blog again for a while now. Life got in the way. On the spur of the moment, just out of curiosity, I glanced at my blog. Just seeing how many views I got, how many people all over the world that looked at my posts. Inspiration. A spark that was the push I needed to get me typing again. So..... let's fast forward through life and get you all caught up.

1. I'm in school .......still. Which is honestly the most frustrating thing in the world. The only benefit from still being in school is that having the "student" status keeps those student loan sharks at bay. Other than that it is really an annoying process. I'm 26 years old and I'm still an undergrad. While most of my friends, including my little sister, have their degree completed and got to move on with their life I feel far far behind. But I'm optimistic, I'll catch up one day.
2. My sweet, sweet little baby is no longer sweet or little. He's a jumping. screaming, playful, loud pint sized rugrat that I can't live without. Just 3 years old and he's already half my height, although I am more on the short side but still. My once clingy baby now demands that I don't ever refer to him as a baby. He's a "big boy". This "big boy" has recently started school and proved to me just how big he is. One the first day, as I walked him into the classroom and prepped myself for the water works that would come when he realized that he would be staying and I would be leaving, I was completely surprised. My tiny toddler took one look in the classroom and as I said "I'm leaving now" expecting tears to come, he didn't even glance back. All I got was a fleeting "Bye mommy" as he dashed off to play with the other kids. It was a wake up call to me. Three years old is early to start school, but he was more then ready
3. ....... 

There's really not much else to be caught up on. Just trying to complete my bachelor in Computer Science while being the PRESIDENT of the Computer Science Club, and also managing a very active 3 year old. My plate is pretty much full at this point. I do have a few small side jobs. But I'm still holding out for the day that I'll just be able to sit back in a bikini on a lawn chair sipping some fancy alcoholic beverage on the balcony of my mansion on some tropical island. Someday, sooner or later. Most likely later, but hey, a girl can dream.

Technology Killed Emotion

It's a known fact that technology doesn't show emotion. It happens tons of times. You receive a text from a person and don't know how to take it. Did they mean it in a serious way, were they being sarcastic, was it a joke, were they just being hurtful? The meaning of things tends to get lost in the space between where the text was sent and its destination. My mom texted me this morning and told me, through text, that my grandmother had passed away. I didn't question it because who would lie about that. But still the fact of it being true didn't sink in. I got up, got dressed, and headed to school feeling like nothing had really changed. I sat in my first class, occasionally glancing around the room. Everyone else seemed normal. My mind took note that nothing around me had changed. As I walked to my next class I received a text from my sister asking me if I knew about my grandmother's passing. I simply replied yes and continued on to my next class taking in the scene of the entire campus. Nothing had changed. I got through my next class just fine. Two hours of computer programming with only the code I was typing on my mind. As I walked out of the classroom I received a call. I picked up and the first thing I said was "something happened".How else do you announce that someone has died? I couldn't think of any other way to say it. "What happened?" was the reply I got. The tears began to well up before I even opened my mouth. "My grandmother passed away". The dam broke and the tears flowed freely. Saying it aloud made it true. I couldn't ignore the facts anymore. Everything else was the same but something had definitely changed. Now that I think about it I still don't know which I would prefer. Would you rather receive bad news like that through text so that you can face all the emotions when you are ready? Or is it better to get news like that in person or over the phone where you are forced to deal with reality and face all the emotions right there and then? 

My grandmother

It's been a really long time. I know but today I feel like writing.
I don't even know how to feel right now. It hasn't clicked in my head yet. My grandmother. My T.... has actually passed away. Is she really gone? Or will I wake up from this dream as soon as someone pinches me? The first thought that pops into my head is: Now I have no grandparents left. She was my last one. It's a weird sad feeling. And I don't like it one bit. Monday morning.... sometime around 3AM, my grandmother, Teresa Mitchell passed away. She is gone, forever. With only memories of her existence left behind. Now I have this terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. The facts become clear. That generation is gone and the next one is left. Death has wiped out the oldest generation of my family tree. I can't help but think the depressing thought that my parents are next in line. My parents are older then most of my friends parents to begin with. And death comes to everyone one day, it's inevitable. So I've always had the thought in the back of my head that some day they will die. Now that idea has been forced from my subconscious to the front of my mind. By the order of things, now that my grandmother is gone, logically my parents are next in line. That fact alone terrifies me. 

Very Very Busy

Somehow I found some time to get this done. I've been so so busy lately. Working, taking care of Ethan, decorating, getting ready for Christmas. I always have so much to do around this time of year, but i don't mind because I love Christmas! I'm still trying to shop for gifts, although my money is quickly dwindling and I don't get paid again til after Christmas, which is good and bad. Bad because now I have to think small and limit myself on the amount of money I spend to get other people gifts. But good because after I go broke buying stuff for everybody else and Christmas is over my money will be refreshed and my next check will be mine and mine alone. Now that I think about it I wasn't really preparing for Christmas, well not like I usually do. Christmas is next week!!!! Usually by now I'd have mostly everyone's gifts bought and wrapped. But yea, let me get back to my Christmas preparations. My allotted time for this post is up and I have a few more things to do before Ethan wakes up from his nap. So I shall leave you with this:

I'm Back

It has been so so long since I've posted a blog. So much has changed. Well not really that much but some stuff has. So biggest update ever: My pride and joy Ethan has begun crawling. The reason I'm so happy about it? Well aren't all parents happy when they see their child progressing. But that's not all. Now I don't have to carry him around. It is so much easier to just let him crawl around behind me, or just let him crawl around the house while I clean or do stuff. It's been so long since I've been able to use both hands to do... anything. Second biggest announcement ever: I've finally conquered my fears and begun posting videos of me singing on youtube!!!! Which is a big deal to me because I've wanted to do that for.... years but I've never was confident enough to do it. But my new motto is to try to do the things that I want to do while I can. I've realized that I'm the main person holding myself back from doing things I want to do and I trying to push through that. Next I have a new job. I'm working at Baby Gap, which is not that bad but it's not a job I see myself doing forever. Eventually I'm going to begin looking for a new job, I just haven't figured out what else I would want to do yet. Ok, I think that's all for today. So I'll leave you with one of my videos.

Therapy

So tired of going through the same old motions over and over again. All I want, all I've ever wanted, was someone who was going to be there for me. Someone who was really going to care about me. Someone that was going to make me feel important. Someone that was going to make me feel special. Someone who actually wanted to spend time with me. I just want to NOT feel alone. To have someone who is going to hold my hand when I need them to. Comfort me when I feel down. Is it really that hard to be considerate. To think about how what you do might effect someone else? Or is it just me? Am I just too nice? I always consider everyone else's feelings. I'm not saying I always go out of my way to make sure everyone else is happy because that would be impossible. But I at least think about stuff before I do it. I don't just jump into something and do whatever I want knowingly crushing everyone else's feelings. I DON'T just do something that I know is going to upset someone and then shrug my shoulders and say oh well. But maybe that's my downfall. 
So furious right now. Maybe later on something will change the bull that's raging inside me right now into a tiny purring kitten. Maybe later on I'll think to myself that I shouldn't have said so much. I should have just kept it all to myself like I usually do. but I don't regret any of this. I needed to vent, but since I don't really express all my problems and inner most thoughts to anyone this is my only way to vent. So if you don't like it, it's time for me to shrug my shoulders and say oh well.


Katy Perry - Wide Awake

Wow I feel so much better now.