OH NO!!!

So it finally happened. I slipped up and missed a day.... darn. I hope you will forgive me. I was really trying to do this before 12 but I just got home. It was my first time being able to be away from Ethan for a couple of hours. It was wonderfully refreshing, but I still missed him the whole time. I caught myself glancing at my phone from time to time. (I have a picture of Ethan as the background on my phone.) I guess that's what happens when you have a kid though. It feels like he's a piece of me and that I'm missing something when he's not with me. Maybe I'm just weird but I didn't like being away from him for so long. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed myself, I did. But it would have been nice to be able to go check on him whenever I wanted to. I got so used to him being with me 24/7 that it feels weird when he's not in the same room.... or a room nearby. I don't know how I'm going to be able to go back to work.


Song of the Day: 
Donnell Jones - Where I Wanna Be

Mission Impossible

So much on my mind yet I'm still having writer's block. I spent all day inside... well most of the day. I did take a short trip to the store. Today was a day to just relax. Ethan even slept long enough to let me watch a movie. Still trying to figure out what to do with my hair. Currently pretending that I'm good at braiding just to see how it turns out. Maybe I should have watched a youtube video first or something like that but oh well, it's too late for that now. Thinking over what I'm going to do with my life. I would love to be a stay at home mom.... well at least for the first year of Ethan's life. I don't want to miss all the little things. It's fun watching him grow and learn a bit more each day. That and in today's society there's no way that we are gonna get by if I don't work too. And also my mom wants me to finish school which is definitely something I want to do. But school and work leaves barely any time for me to be with Ethan. My mom thinks that's fine though. Probably because that's what she did, but this is my first child, my first son. I just became a mom and whether he remembers if I'm there for it or not, I definitely don't want to miss out on all his firsts. I want to be right there the first time he sits up by himself, and the first time he takes a step. I want to be in the room when he says his first word. It would kill me if after a long day of work I come home and the babysitter tells me "Ethan said mommy today". So now I'm stuck trying to figure out how to be super mom. How can I work go to school and still not miss out on all the firsts?


Song of the day:
Wayne Brady - Ordinary

The Day After

I was totally just sitting in front of my laptop staring at the computer screen and thinking to myself what can I be doing right now? It  totally slipped my mind that I hadn't done my post for today. Luckily I realized before I found something else to do. Hm... now what to talk about.... It's the day after my birthday. I think that because of facebook the day after you birthday can be a little depressing. It's like your birthday comes and your totally excited. And not only that but it's broadcasted for all your friends on facebook so it's hard for anyone to forget that it's your special day. Then through out the entire day you receive post from family, friends, and random people you haven't spoken to in years. By the end of the day you have 5,000 notifications, from all the people wishing you a very happy birthday. You feel like a rock star, a celebrity for the day. Then the next day comes, the day after your birthday and you get maybe one notification, if you're lucky. And you're brought back down to earth.


Song of the day:
Karmin - Crash Your Party

My Birthday

Yes! It's my birthday! It's finally here. My day! Sitting in my kitchen while my fiance makes me a cake. I'm planning on making cupcakes of my own later though. I'm a pastry chef and watching him bake and not being able to decorate it myself is killing me. But I'm still happy that he's doing this for me. You have no idea how hard it is to actually do something for your birthday when you have a little baby. 


Song of the day:
Timothy Bloom - Til the End of Time

Procrastination

So... yes I know. Gotta finish this blog fast. In less than half an hour to be exact. I don't know why I didn't just do this sooner. It wasn't like I wasn't near my laptop. I've been home most of the day. I just set an order to the things I wanted to do today and I put this last. So yea, update from yesterday I actually got some stuff done today. I did laundry, mine and Ethan's. And I went out and got Ethan pampers... because he was running low. Still had some other stuff I want to do, like clean my room but that's definitely going to have to wait cause I'm not doing any kind of work tomorrow. On a totally side note even though I have such a short time to write this blog I still find myself going back and forth between this page and facebook. This reminders my of high school ... and college. When I had a paper due I usually ended up waiting til the very last minute to do it. Then actually getting it done took forever because I was always letting myself get sidetracked with everything. It was like the smallest thing was way more interesting than the paper I had to write and I always had to force myself to focus and get back to what I needed to be doing. I totally hated doing papers and homework for that matter. I think it was totally a mental thing. It wasn't like I didn't have the ability to do it. (After finishing a paper I always read it over and thought to myself that I could have done so much better if I had actually gave myself time to do a good job.) It was the whole idea of having a deadline forced upon me. Telling me that I had a 5 page paper due by Friday just made me not want to do it. What can I say, I have an inner rebel.


Song of the day:
Madonna & Justin Timberlake - Four Minutes

Beyond Exhausted

Yea, so I thought I was tired yesterday but I had actually gotten some sleep yesterday. Today Ethan didn't think he needed to sleep for more than 15 minutes at a time so absolutely no sleep. And with no sleep comes no patience so I've been frustrated for most of today... with pretty much everyone I encountered. I had so much I planned to get done today but all those plans are pushed to tomorrow. Lets see if I can get anything done tomorrow.


Song of the day:
Monica -Just One of Those Days

Too Tired

Too tired to really do a post today... but this counts right? No? Ok, let's think of something... hmmm. Ok, I got it. It just came to mind, like literally, that your whole view of the world changes more and more as you grow up. I remember in elementary school whenever they asked what I wanted to be when I grew up I had a long list of things. I wanted to be a singer, a chef, a teacher, a writer, an actress, and a painter. I was pretty ambitious. I remember my teacher asking me which one I really thought I was going to do. I had my mind set, I told her I was going to do all of them. I had it all planned out. I was first going to be a singer first and go on tour. While on tour I was going to study from cooking from master chefs around the world. Then once my tour ended I figured I be in a movie or two, preferably musicals. Then I would settle down and be a teacher, most likely teaching math since that's what I'm really good at. Then I figured writing and painting weren't jobs that I'd have to be in one place for and I didn't need to do it everyday or report in to anyone so I planned to just have those as side jobs through my whole working career. As I grew older one by one those dreams disappear. Doing even one of those jobs seemed impossible. I had no clue I had planned to do all of them. So I went to college and majored in computer programming. Didn't see that one coming did you.


Song of the day:
Athena Cage - Live Your Dreams

Memory Lane

Ok going to try to do this really quick, since Ethan decided he doesn't really want to take naps today. Today I took a trip down memory lane. Going through some old stuff from under my bed I discovered reminders from my past. I've done so much and it's not like I forgot all the things I've done, it's just that until I had the proof in front of me I felt like I've never really done anything. It all sunk in today though. I've been to Utah, Vegas, and California... twice! My brother lives in Utah and I've been to visit him. And while there we took a road trip to California to visit my aunt and cousins. I've been to England, Ireland, and Wales. I was in a student ambassador program and they took us there. I got to really see London and ride the London Eye (the biggest ferris wheel in the world). I got take my very own picture of Stonehenge. I got to stay with a family in Ireland and explore the streets of Dublin. I've done so much and there's still so much more that I wanted to do. I wanted to travel to Paris and Japan and Australia. I wanted to take a road trip to Florida and vacation in Brazil. But having Ethan kind of put the rest of my travel plans on permanent hold. 


Song of the Day:
John Mayer - No Such Thing

Spring Cake

Ok after a really long day I'm finally writing my blog. So glad I already had something in mind for today or else I might not have been able to do this one on time. So I made a spring cake yesterday and I took pictures as I was doing it. 

The coolest part was that I made the actually cake itself green. The wonders of food coloring. I would have gotten a picture of that but the is sadly gone. Yes, my whole family finished all already. But yes this cake was fun to make... and eat.


Song of the day:
Pink - Raise Your Glass

Just Relax

Today's post... Hmm.... Um... So I never made that cake yesterday. I think I might do it today though. It's so nice outside today but I don't want to go anywhere. I've been walking back and forth for days now just to walk around. Today I just want to relax for once. I want to sit back and enjoy the simple things. Like seeing my son smile at me while I'm talking to him. Or cuddling with my fiance. Or eating a huge piece of homemade cake. 
Song of the day:
Timbaland ft Katy Perry - If We Ever Meet Again

Everybody Loves Cake

I really want to make a cake today. I went out and got the supplies and everything. I just have to actually make it now. But the actual baking process is not something that really interests me. So when I comes to making a cake the baking process is something I have to push myself to do and the real fun comes after. I love decorating cakes. That's when my creativity really flows. Imagining how I want the cake to look and then seeing how close I get to bringing my imagination to life. I'm an artist with icing. I enjoy doing it so much that I even thought about selling cakes. Then I changed my mind because there is nothing worse then putting all you work into a cake and then not being able to eat it.
Just a glimpse of my latest work.

And now for the song of the day:
Black Eyed Peas - Just Can't Get Enough

Overflowing Emotions

Things effect me so easily now. I guess its cause I'm still postpartum... technically... I think. Apparently after you have a baby your hormones go crazy and that's this period of time, postpartum, while your body tries to stabilize itself again. It's like I lost control over my emotions. I used to be able to numb myself to the world and everything would be fine. I could keep all my feelings looked up tight in a cage and no one would even know. Now it's like as soon as something happens the emotions is bursting out of me. Like someone completely smashed that cage to pieces and I can't control each and every feeling as they pop up. It's like they have a mind of their own. I'm just struggling trying to catch them all before they jump out and start affecting my world. I need my ability to numb myself. I'm afraid I won't be able to survive in this world without it.


Song of the day:
This song always makes me feel better when I'm upset
Gavin Degraw - Chariot

Rambling On... and On

Ok so I really have no idea what to write today. My mind is a total blank. But I'm really trying to keep up with a post a day so bare with me as I ramble on. Really I should be taking the time I have now to do the stuff I really need to do. Like washing my hair. Or taking a shower. Or cleaning my room up. But no I'm sitting here with my laptop on my lap and Ethan laying next to me. The reason I'm doing all the other stuff that I need to be doing is because I don't want him to wake up and start crying and I'm not here to calm him down. But I really do need to shower.... so I think I'll take my chances and go do that. 


Song of the day:
We Pray For You - A Bunch of People on Youtube

Missing the Little Things

Having a baby makes so much stuff different. I miss not feeling sleepy before 9pm. I miss sleeping even 5 hours straight without being woken up. I miss not being responsible for anyone but myself. I miss crossing the street and not being so scared that a car may come out of nowhere. I miss doing stuff on my own time and not having my schedule set by a tiny person who does care about what time it is. I miss my old life... I didn't get the chance to properly say goodbye to it. 


Song of the day:
India Arie - Little Things

The Grain of Sand That Can Change Everything

It's amazing how saying just one thing could change everything. How things take decades to build and can be destroyed in one instant. The things you work so hard for and disappear with not effort at all.


Song of the day:
Brandy & Monica - It All Belongs To Me

Getting Used To This

Being a mommy is definitely hard work. I don't regret having Ethan at all though. He's just too adorable. There are times when he's awake and just looking at me, then he smiles and I just melt. He's mine. I have so many nieces and nephews and cousins. I've been around children my whole life. I've always wanted kids of my own, maybe not this soon but that's ok. I'm dealing with it. Being pregnant was a brand new adventure. I was always unsure of everything. Every experience was new. Not wanting to eat because I was scared he wouldn't like it and I would end up sitting over the toilet again. Feeling him kick was like a wake up call. I remember feeling so happy and scared at the same time. Happy because wow there really is this little person alive inside of me. But then scared because of all the responsibility. I was so scared I'd do one thing wrong and lose him. Then the morning came that I woke up with contractions and then it was like he's going to be out soon. I remember being in the delivery room, going through contractions and thinking I'll be able to hold him soon. Then I had to push him out. I knew all about the pain, the "ring of fire", I had watched so many birthing videos and read every bit of information that was available to me. I thought I was ready, but reading and seeing can not really truly prepare you for actually feeling it yourself. The whole time was pushing him out (and through out most of my pregnancy really) I remember thinking that something was terribly wrong with technology. With all the new inventions out why hadn't anyone come up with something to make this whole process less painful. Why couldn't someone just teleport him out of me? And then he was out and in my arms and any thought of pain was gone. I could finally see him and hold him. 
With all the information I was force-fed about pregnancy I think I was dreadfully uninformed about all thing postpartum. All the pain that lasts for weeks after birth. The depression that hit me like a ton of bricks that first night in the hospital. My fiance wasn't allowed to spend the night and Ethan had to stay in the nursery. For the first time in 9 months I was truly alone. But I got through it all with I smile. Finally got to take him home and I don't want to spoil him but there are times I just can't bring myself to put him down. To be able to hold him and watch him grow turns every problem I went through into a grain of sand. For him, it was all worth it.


And now for the song of the day!
My lullaby for Ethan
Chrisette Michelle - Your Joy

Friday the 13th

I don't really have a focus for today. Lack of sleep does that to you. Writing this blog in between naps. I find that if I just keep typing eventually I find a focus. I just ramble on and on and eventually I find something that I can write at least a paragraph about. 
So today's focus is my job. (Technically I'm not currently "working" because I'm on maternity leave.) I work at one of the many Duane Reades in the city. Despite the minimum wage pay I actually love my job. Even though I'm usually on the register I find that helping and interacting with different people everyday is really fun to me. Maybe it's because I'm such an optimistic person that I figure out a way to make the best out of any situation but I really have fun when I'm at work. Between helping a customer find the product they're looking for, trying to figure out what a tourist needs in whatever language they speak, giving someone directions, or just joking around with my coworkers I always leave work in a good mood. I feel that I'm very lucky. Even though I'm definitely not getting paid what I need to support my family I actually like my job and very few people in the world can say that. So I'm not complaining... much... for now.


And for the song of the day:
Kirk Franklin - I Smile

Sometimes You Just Need To Vent

I'm absolutely miserable living in my parents house. People would think that it's because I'm a brand new mom and the baby is driving me crazy. But that's not the case. I simply adore my son and nothing he does annoys me in the least bit. Not a smelly diaper. I even surprised myself when i discovered what a high tolerance I have for his baby cries. 
My parents are the ones that frustrate me to no end. my father is a hypocritical alcoholic who feels that no matter what he's always right. No one else matters, nothing else matters. Whatever he says goes and everyone else just has to live and deal with it. As for my mother there really isn't much I can say bad about her. I know she always means well but she just can be overbearing at times... or most of the time.... or all of the time. I know she just wants the best for me but I just need her to let me live instead of criticizing and lecturing me on every decision I make. 
Usually I manage to somehow coexist when it comes to these two. But when it comes to my son they just overwhelm me. Like during the latest incident. Ethan won't go to sleep. I've just finished feeding him and giving him some gripe water because I know at his stomach tends to bother him at night and it keeps him up. And in order for me to sleep I need him to sleep. But knowing I have those two things already covered and he's still awake and fussing I move on to the next thing and realize he needs his diaper changed. Now Ethan, for some reason, doesn't like when I change his diaper. So as I lay him down to get ready to change him he starts crying because he knows what I'm doing. In comes grandparent #1, my mother decides to stand right behind me as I'm trying to change him and shoot me with questions like "why is he crying?" and "is he hungry?" and "is it his stomach?" and "did you give him gripe water?" and the frustration begins. I answer all the questions while Ethan cries and I try to comfort him so I can quickly change his diaper before grandparent #2 comes in and does the same thing. But my mother seeing that he is still fussing tells me to pick him up because he is still crying. I pick him up and explain to her that I just need to change his diaper. But when I put him back down to do so and begin changing him, while he still cries, she begins pushing past me to try to pick him up. So now I'm struggling to change his poopy diaper while my mother lifts him off the bed. There is no way to neatly change a poopy diaper with the baby in the air so I, now fully frustrated, step back to just let my mother take over because now   Ethan is completely uncomfortable and screaming. Grandparent #2 enters questioning what's wrong with the baby. My mother informs him that he just needed his diaper changed. He's unconvinced and insists that something must be wrong with him because he's still crying. My mother hands Ethan back over to me and goes with my father into the kitchen to make Ethan a bottle because there can be no other reason for him crying then me starving him of course. But with them gone I finally can calm Ethan. Of course my father still comes back with a bottle in hand and insists that I feed Ethan because even though he's laying down quietly by himself he must be starving because he's not sleeping. I tell him that Ethan's not hungry because I just fed him but he insists that I try away way. Seeing that my dad won't leave until he sees me try I give Ethan the bottle. After seeing that Ethan is just spitting the milk back out my dad storms out.
I'm just wondering how long I have left before I explode. 


And now the song of the day...
Just because I love this song:
Pink - If God is a DJ

The Beginning

So I was talking over blogging with my awesome twin Kassie and I realized that I have an ample amount of time on my hands. She has a blog and I definitely have time to make one too. This is day one. I had no idea what to make my blog about. Her theme is ties. I don't have nearly enough ties or any collection of things for that matter so I decided my blog will be an everything blog. I have too many things that I'm interested in to focus on just one thing and I don't like the idea of being limited anyway. So what is today's focus? Well it's just and introduction. My name is Melina. I've been a mommy for three weeks now (I technically think of it as more than three weeks because I considered myself a mom when I found out I was pregnant). I got myself a beautiful baby boy name Ethan. I'm a pastry chef (Not really but I like to think of myself as one. I do bake and decorate cakes though). I'm a singer (While alone in my room... or while playing rock band). And some other stuff that I can't recall right now because 9:30 is early for me now, due to extreme lack of sleep, due to Ethan waking up every 2 hours to eat... so yea. Day 1 complete.
And the song of the day thanks to my sister:
Rihanna - Fool in Love