Getting Used To This

Being a mommy is definitely hard work. I don't regret having Ethan at all though. He's just too adorable. There are times when he's awake and just looking at me, then he smiles and I just melt. He's mine. I have so many nieces and nephews and cousins. I've been around children my whole life. I've always wanted kids of my own, maybe not this soon but that's ok. I'm dealing with it. Being pregnant was a brand new adventure. I was always unsure of everything. Every experience was new. Not wanting to eat because I was scared he wouldn't like it and I would end up sitting over the toilet again. Feeling him kick was like a wake up call. I remember feeling so happy and scared at the same time. Happy because wow there really is this little person alive inside of me. But then scared because of all the responsibility. I was so scared I'd do one thing wrong and lose him. Then the morning came that I woke up with contractions and then it was like he's going to be out soon. I remember being in the delivery room, going through contractions and thinking I'll be able to hold him soon. Then I had to push him out. I knew all about the pain, the "ring of fire", I had watched so many birthing videos and read every bit of information that was available to me. I thought I was ready, but reading and seeing can not really truly prepare you for actually feeling it yourself. The whole time was pushing him out (and through out most of my pregnancy really) I remember thinking that something was terribly wrong with technology. With all the new inventions out why hadn't anyone come up with something to make this whole process less painful. Why couldn't someone just teleport him out of me? And then he was out and in my arms and any thought of pain was gone. I could finally see him and hold him. 
With all the information I was force-fed about pregnancy I think I was dreadfully uninformed about all thing postpartum. All the pain that lasts for weeks after birth. The depression that hit me like a ton of bricks that first night in the hospital. My fiance wasn't allowed to spend the night and Ethan had to stay in the nursery. For the first time in 9 months I was truly alone. But I got through it all with I smile. Finally got to take him home and I don't want to spoil him but there are times I just can't bring myself to put him down. To be able to hold him and watch him grow turns every problem I went through into a grain of sand. For him, it was all worth it.


And now for the song of the day!
My lullaby for Ethan
Chrisette Michelle - Your Joy